Pleasant Words & Canorous Music
Actually, originally I wanted to add my friend’s song to this blog entry, but it seemed a bit too depressing, so I’ve removed it. But somehow, writing my thoughts with good music in the background makes everything seem just a little bit more soothing. Not that my words are jagged in any way, I just like the mellow backdrop. I guess it's a bit unorthodox to start my first blog this way, since I didn't really plan on any specific topic when I was playing around with this whole website thing. But seriously, does anyone really care? So far this question is completely irrelevant because I am not planning to make this blog entry public. Not yet, anyway. I can see the contradiction in my actions; I always have so much to say, to express, to write, so much inside of me, that at more emotional moments, I even have the urge to pour my heart out to the world. Yet right now, I feel a little bit intimidated by opening myself up. I think it's strange, but understandable though. Whatever I have written in the past, whether it's a song, a poem, a chapter in my book, or even just a simple diary entry, it has always been 'mine'. I talk about the rough concept and idea to some friends, but none of them have really seen the real deal. None of them know what I really write...what they know is what they can only imagine, using nothing but the bits and pieces of information I choose to divulge.
Everyone has their own kind of idea, some take me seriously, and some don't. I can tell. Some immediately think that writing a book or writing lyrics to a song is very impressive, and they make it seem as if I'm already published! Whereas, I'm only half way through, and the editing looks like it will go on forever, therefore, I cannot even foresee the day it will be completed. Not even me. To me, it is more than just writing. Anyone can write. To me, it is more like expressing myself, my feelings, my pain and my struggles. The pen and paper won't judge me, and I can go on and on and on if I wanted to. I let everything out like a bursting volcano of feelings, because sometimes, my pen and my paper are the only ones I can really 'talk' to.
This is what my close friends will refer to as 'insecurity', which I can't exactly deny. Other than not having enough faith in myself, I lack the true yearning for success, deep in my heart. To 'want' something is clearly very different from just having that 'ambition' in your head, toying around with ideas, overflowing with endless thoughts and fantasies, because I know, that is simply self deception. But do all those people out there, who choose to judge others know, that it is not always easy to have a dream, and yet really be able to accomplish it? If you are a slacker, then there's no one to blame, but sometimes no matter what you do, how hard you work, you just stay stuck, and when that happens, it discourages me. Optimism is one of my main good traits, but I am only human after all. If I constantly tell myself that everything will be okay and perfect, even when I am penniless and homeless, then I think that mentality is no longer optimism, but naivety. It's healthy to worry, it's alright to dwell. That's just the way life is, for everyone, not just me... As long as you don't live in sorrow and waste yourself, then there will always be hope. It may not be what I want, but hey, I'd rather have something that is 2nd best than to have nothing at all!
Happiness does not come from perfection, it comes from the unavoidable imperfections in life that you and I both need, in order to learn and grow. I've come to realise that it is always the less desirable matters in life that make me appreciate the other experiences I have had to go through, and the people I have met along the way. These beautiful souls always seem to come at a time when I need them the most, so I know for a fact that I am blessed, that someone IS definitely watching out for me, and keeping my heart alive with the love of these unsuspecting guardian angels. I do, however, constantly remind myself not to take them for granted though, because everyone deserves to be appreciated. Who knows, maybe to them, I'M the guardian angel sent here to be a part of their lives! :) Maybe all the people around us will one day play a special role on our lives, we just don't know. But it doesn't matter. We don't have to know, we just have to be grateful and happy, no one is doomed unless they want themselves to be.
How amusing it is, that I always seem to get stuck with a problem, only to end up clearing up my own doubts and answering all my previously endless questions about life. So, I guess that means, in my heart, I can always find a way to get through the obstacles in life, because the solutions and answers have been in my heart and mind all along, I just had to listen closely... That is why writing is such a great thing. I forget that this is my problem, and when you jump out of that ditch, everything seems so much clearer and less complicated. If only I had the heart and soul to write more often, like I did before. Where has my passion gone? Where is my stimuli? I have yet to find out what truly inspires me. Is it love? Loss? Sadness?
Look at life: The questions keep coming and the answers are always having a hard time keeping up. That's how I learn, I suppose!
Elv.Raine 汪芷榆
2/2/2008 - Taipei
